Thursday, December 20, 2007

an important life lesson

Listen to me very closely.

I don’t care how hungry you are. I don’t care how good they make it look on the menu. I don't even care if you have a free coupon…

Do NOT purchase a Bloomin' Onion when dining at Outback.

Just don't do it.

Oh...it tastes great, don't get me wrong. It is fantastic. But the next day, I guarantee you, that you are going to wake up feeling fat, greasy, and generally unsuccessful at life. I kid you not. You will wake up in a bloated depression every time.

And you can't brush that taste out of your mouth either. Not a chance. And why would you want to? Why would you not want it to linger for the rest of day, reminding you that, given the choice...you are the type of person who chooses to eat a deep-fried onion?

Seriously.

This past weekend, Betsy and I went to Outback and chose to eat a deep-fried onion...dipped in the accompanying spicy-horseradish sauce. And not only did we eat the whole thing, halfway through, we stopped the waitress and asked for more sauce.

Oh, we knew what was coming. We knew we were going to regret it the next day. But that didn't stop us.

I just don't get it. I have never walked into Chili's and thought, "Hmmm…an Awesome Blossom. That sounds really good. I’ll have one of those." Never. And they’re exact same thing!

But every time I walk through the doors at Outback, its…“Screw the bread. Just bring me a Diet Coke and the greasiest Bloomin’ Onion you can scrounge up back there.”

I need help.

Maybe this is not so much a “lesson” as it is a confession. The Apostle Paul said in Romans 7, “I do what do not want to do…”. Now, I don’t know if that guy ever ate a Bloomin’ Onion or not, but he sure hit the nail on the head with that one. Because every time I walk into Outback, I, too, do what I do not want to do.

May God have mercy on my soul. And my colon.

9 comments:

greg said...

In my limited life experience, I have determined that the only acceptable time to order said bloomin' onion is when you have a party of 8 or more. In such case you may order ONE bloomin onion and share it around the table.

there's no excuse for what you did though. you should be ashamed.

Going Weston said...

Completely agree about the Bloomin Onion. Once my family ordered it to as an App and I would eat 4 or 5 petals at a time. I got so sick I didn't eat my steak when it got to our table.

I've been away from computer so I didn't get a chance to comment about the Into the Wild post. But I think you are right about "McCandless." I think he is an inspiration to all 20-somethings, but just an example of what NOT to do. He made a prideful, self-righteous journey to Alaska and once he was there for a few weeks, realized that his journey there was better than actually being there...because of the people he met along the way that he had relationships with. Okay, this is getting too long and I wanted to quote it, so I think I'll just post something about it on mine. Sorry.

ragamuffinminister said...

Can't stand the onion, eh?

You're so weak.

:)

Blake Anthony said...

I was there and it was painful. I think they sprinkle crack on it with a side of exlax. I just could not stop eating it and the sauce...

Blake Anthony said...

http://blakeanthony.blogspot.com/

bill said...

nice plug, blake. not shameless at all, man.

but i will say that the new site looks good.

The Anonymous Human said...

See the problem is you don't eat it enough.

When you've become a season pro, like me, at eating greasy, deep fried vegetables, the years of greasy stomach-lining build-up allow for easy depositing of said deep fried vegetables.

And just look at me, I'm the shining example of health.

Now where did I put those tater-tots...

The Anonymous Human said...

www.theanonymoushuman.blogspot.com

shameless whore for attention said...

www.shamelesswhoreforattention.blogspot.com