Tuesday, January 23, 2007

ready to rumble

Close your eyes and picture with me, if you will, a pastor.

He leads one of the largest, most influential churches in America, located in the state of Texas. He is young, charismatic and known for his mega-watt smile. Both his books and his sermons border on self-help. He has a famous father and a Barbie doll for a wife.

Now, tell me…did you picture Joel Osteen or Ed Young?

Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between the two. Both have been ranked near the top of such lists as: the Church Report’s “50 Most Influential Christians” and Outreach’s “The Most Innovative Churches”. In the Church Report’s ranking of the “50 Most Influential Churches”, Young’s (Fellowship Church) finished #4, while Osteen’s (Lakewood Church) finished #5.

And don’t think for one minute that any of these similarities have escaped the attention of either man. Texas might be the biggest state in the Continental US, but apparently…it is not big enough for the both of them.

Osteen explains, “Ed keeps following one step behind me, stealing all my moves. He’s always trying to one-up me. What’s next…is Fellowship going to purchase Texas stadium? Oh my gosh, the Cowboys are building a new stadium. Ed is going to get the old Texas Stadium, isn’t he? You’ve got to be kidding. This has to stop.”

And on June 1, 2007 it will.

Both Osteen and Young have agreed to step into the ring…mano a mano…and put an end to this silly competition. While one will finish the fight on his back, the other will emerge as “The Toast of Texas”.

The fight will take place at Osteen’s Lakewood Church, in Houston, and will be video cast live at Young’s Fellowship Church, in Dallas. When asked if their congregation felt slighted by the decision, one member of Fellowship responded, “Oh no. Are you kidding? My wife and I have been going to Fellowship for 3 ½ years and have never actually seen Ed Young live. We’ve grown rather fond of his Hi-Def counter-part.”

Despite the “home-field advantage”, Vegas odds-makers are largely favoring Young. TBN Fight Analyst Casper Van Deen stated, “With his size and athletic background…not to mention Osteen’s propensity for keeping his eye’s closed all the time…Ed Young seems to be a lock.”

Officials are worried about Victoria Osteen, Joel’s wife, interfering with the match, however. Her short fuse and explosive temperament gained national exposure in late 2005 for a mid-air altercation with a flight attendant. “For her to be present, she will have to watch from a box seat in the upper bowl. We just don’t trust her in the front row” explained Senior Fight Official Lyle Overbrook.

“Yeah, if they succeed in keeping his crazy wife off of me, I don’t think Joel stands a chance”, Young confidently predicted.

But when asked if he would consider fighting fellow Dallas mega-church pastor T.D. Jakes, if he does indeed defeat Osteen, Young responded, “What? No. First of all, no one is mistaking me for T.D. Jakes and secondly…I hear he travels with a posse. And believe me, from the sounds of it, I want nothing to do with that. Nah, this is between me and Joel.”

Yes it is, Mr. Young...yes it is. Now, which one are you again?


Going Weston said...

I think Joel's going to win, He told me once that I can have a Benz if I pray hard enough. Young doesn't have that kind of control over the Holy Spirit...

Dustin said...

that's good stuff man, you should send that to www.larknews.com

The Anonymous Human said...

On paper, it sure seems like Young would have the advantage. Plus, he did drive a tank onto stage one time. Of course, Olsteen has the spinning globe going for him...I don't know man...but I'm bidding for the rematch rights already!