Saturday, July 29, 2006

of all sinners...

...I am the worst.

Okay. Confession time. I know that a blog isn't necessarily the most personal or private forum to confess secret sin. But I need to get this off my chest.

I am a sinner. I am fallen, filthy and in need of grace.

Okay, let me set the scene for you. Right outside my office is a large area that is used for Sunday School classes on Sunday mornings. And in this area, literally inches from my office door, sits a large desk. This desk is cluttered with crayons, markers, children's curriculum, building blocks, coloring books, etc. You know, your average Sunday School material. But there is something else that sits on this desk. Something that, on the outside, looks just as plain and ordinary as the rest of its desktop companions.

A dingy blue Tupperware container.

In fact, I probably walked by this Tupperware container a thousand times before my curiosity got the best of me. But eventually it did. And on that day, I stopped and thought, "You know, everything you could ever want or need for teaching a Sunday School class is sitting out on this desk already. What could they possibly be storing in that there blue container?" So I peaked in. And my life has never been the same.

What I found inside was the most complete and extraordinary bounty of treats and goodies I have ever seen. There was Starbursts, Chewy Sprees, Runts, Twizzlers, Airheads, Dum Dums, Dots, Laffy Taffy, Peanut Butter Cups, Jolly Ranchers, Almond Joys (Almond Joys have nuts), Mounds (Mounds don’t), Nerds, Tootsie Pops, Now and Laters, Caramel Chews, Whoopers, and my all-time favorite as a kid: Bottlecaps. The treasure appeared to be bottomless. I could bury my arm up to my shoulder in sweet, sweet goodness.

So I grabbed a couple Starbursts and a pack of Bottlecaps. "They'll never notice just a few missing", I said to myself. Later I walked by and figured, "Ah, whats a few more, right?"

The next morning as I passed it on the way to my office, I stopped dead in my tracks and stood staring at the Tupperware bin..."Well, I am doing the work of our Lord and I do need my sustenance. So, its only right that I partake from this fountain of sugary blessedness." And so I went...down the slippery slope of petty theft and justification.

I've tried to stop. I really have. But I am weak. "Its a dark room, Bill, and no one's around. Just take one or two treats. No one will ever find out." And here is the worst part, every time the candy gets low, every time I think I'm going to be found out...little candy fairies come and fill it right back up. I'm serious. I have never seen the bottom of that bin, yet I have never seen anyone refill it either.

So, in a way, I am not stealing candy from the kiddies. I'm stealing from the big, corporate suits who have more than enough already. I'm like Robin Hood...except that I'm keeping the goodies for myself and the "big, corporate suits" are actually Karen and Judy, two of the nicest ladies I've ever met.

I am horrible, horrible man. I have justified my actions in every possible way. But the truth remains: I steal candy from helpless little kids almost on a daily basis.

I don't know why I am telling you all of this and effectively blowing my cover. Maybe it is a cry for help. Maybe it is my way of saying that I am tired of living this double life and want to get better. Maybe it is a sign of maturity and growth, the work of the Holy Spirit in my life.

Or maybe...just is because as I type this, there is an empty package of Runts sitting on my desk, a hint of artificially flavored candy on my breath, and the weight of guilt and remorse on my soul. Maybe.

Is there any hope for me?


Tim said...

hey bill. since im about 2-4 years behind in this technology world we find ourselves in, i figured it was about that time to start a blog. yea man we'll definitely have to get together and hang out and talk about some of this new stuff going on and just hang out. ill probably be moving back into town the 3rd week of august or so, so we'll get together and figure something out.


Betsy said...

nope. no hope left for you.

bill said...

thank you for your support, betsy.

greg said...

you're a freaking jerk. have fun burning in hell. hope it was worth it.

Dustin said...

sinner! behind me satan.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you could leave something for them in return...hmmm, what could you leave?